How He Makes Me Feel
by Mgg1606
Summary: Some friendships span a lifetime, this was more then what I ever imagine. M/M Slash *If your not old enough, please don't read, don't worry it'll be here when you are ;) *


**Disclaimer****: I don't own any of the characters here mention, I do however own a strange and disturbing love of unicorns, don't judge me they're majestic creatures.**

**Hey everyone!**

**Nice to see you here. Well I'm back with a new story, new topic, category and well everything.**

**I wrote this a while back, during acceptance month. It's a tribute to a couple that have been together for a very long time and have loved each other trough hell and back, but are still in need of hiding from the world. I wish for them the freedom to say they love each other and that they are family, and to be able to marry and officially have that piece of paper that others take for granted.**

**Love it love.**

* * *

**How he makes me feel**

He smiles at me, his bright hazel eyes twinkle with mirth, as I sit shirtless at the deck on one of the comfortable loungers he just got. The sun is high at this time of day; the azure of the ocean reflects and intensifies the heat. It's summer in Malibu; time for barbecues at the beach, beers before sunset, and laughing with our friends at midnight while we play poker on the deck.

It's wonderful.

It's been this way since we moved here, we used to live in downtown L.A. in a one bedroom apartment, it was difficult but we managed it. Our families still didn't know about our relationship. Everyone just thought we were best friends and since we left Chicago we never gave our families a chance to visit. We'd always be the ones to go there for the holidays. Well until my niece, Melinda, dropped in unannounced with a huge problem. She was sworn to secrecy and in exchanged we helped, she's the only one in my family that knows about us.

At that time I worked as a pastry chef at the Biltmore and he was the night manager, we were happy but then I got a great opportunity and started working at the Château Marmont. They love me so much that I worked out a deal and got him a position there too; it was a good thing since the Biltmore was having trouble at the time. With the new jobs came the new home. We found a great and surprisingly cheap Malibu beachfront apartment, a two bedroom. It was great at first, it was filled with college students and some elderly people, I felt happy. I could run every morning and he could surf and swim in the ocean everyday. It's been 5 years now and there are things that have changed, mainly our neighbors. We live on the 3rd floor of a 4th floor building.

About two years ago our upstairs neighbors, a young couple, started complaining about our gatherings. While walking to the parking lot one day, I overheard a conversation between Jack, the upstairs neighbor, and Jane, who lives next door. He was complaining about our parties, but mostly he noted that we only had male friends visit. The conversation kept going and turned into gossip. Jane, she was curious to know everything since she was barely ever home. At some point in their conversation, he used a derogatory word to describe our friends, their behavior, the nature of our parties, and even us.

After that I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and haven't been able to talk to either of them since. I used to greet them in passing, but now I just nod or grunt. I really don't care to make friends since they're judgmental behavior will only hurt me in the end. It'd been a long time since I was called that and it hurt as if it had been the first time. I love my life, my work, my home, and my partner. That's not changing anytime soon, but I still hate it when we get the looks while we walk hand in hand, or when he leans in to kiss my check. I mean after all this time and the strides that gay men and women have accomplished we still get the looks, the sneers, and the "fag" comments.

I come out of my musings and watch my sexy man intently. His hair has gotten lighter since we moved here, probably because he's constantly in the sun. The once chocolate brown with reddish streaks has now turned to light ash brown with blonde highlights. Healthy glow on his skin, the strong muscles and sturdy legs under those blue board shorts, a leather string around his neck with the promise ring I gave him when we decided to be "us" and his Ray Bans pressing his wild long locks back. He gives me a smile, he knows I'm checking him out, I love doing it, and he loves watching me doing it, it turns him on.

"See I told you they were fuck awesome. Worth every penny!" He looks smug. I part my legs and he sits between them. His back to my chest, he pulls his sunglasses down and we sit there quietly. I stroke his arms slowly, run my fingers through his wild hair, and I hear his low hum of contentment. We were happy. So far.

**~~J & E~~**

He thinks I'm a cheapskate, but it's not that. I want us to have everything we need, but not be stuck to this place. I know material things will root us here. I've seen the neighbors, they don't buy it anymore, we've lived here for almost 3 years now and slowly but surely this once collage type of apartment complex has turned into a family oriented one and we are surrounded by young kids and parents. We come and go, they're polite and smile. We see them with their strollers, their family cars and their bikes with baby seats on the back or front. Most of them happy and alive, living in a place where everyone is close enough to nature, it energizes you and makes you different. You would think that people would be different, accept the differences and learn to tolerate and not judge, but it's not that way.

Yesterday, I woke up to our upstairs neighbors arguing, he wants to keep his two seat car, she's pregnant and wants to trade it in for a family size car. Mundane arguments, decisions that we'll never have to argue over, it's just the two of us, and I think this is how it will always be.

I'm turning 28 this year and I feel that I've accomplished most of the things I've set my sights on. I've traveled, I've gotten the degree and the position that I've always dreamed of, and more to my ever imagining it, I'm well known for my work. But the most important of everything, I've found an -end all and be all- type of love.

If you knew us, you would realize that we are not the perfect couple. It was just never gonna be that way. Life gives you twists and turns that you either take, learn from them, or you fall. I fell, but he was right there to catch me, and that's when I knew.

**~~J & E~~**

I'm the eighth of nine children in my family; I have six older sisters, an older brother, and a baby sister. Our parents came from very large families and back then there was very little education on family planning.

My brother was born the golden child, after six daughters my father had practically given up hope of ever having a son. He was surrounded by pink and long curls, dresses and makeup, squeals and girly-giggles. My mother, when they wed had promised him a son and was very worried that she might not be able to comply with this promise.

My sister Alice was about five months old when my mother had the telling signs of a new pregnancy. She went to the doctor and confirmed her suspicions, but after so many disappointments for him, she decided not to tell my father about her state. My dad being a very unobservant man, especially because of the constant chaos at home and his work as an accountant, never noticed his wife's distending stomach. He chucked it up to weight gain or the new dress trends, for most of the pregnancy anyway.

When she was eight months along she fell while mopping the kitchen floor and screamed in fright for her unborn child. My older sister, Esme, took her to the hospital and informed my father of my brother's early arrival, taking him by such a shock that he actually crashed his truck leaving my sister with an ugly wound on her forehead, ruining her otherwise perfect face.

After the birth, my father was so ecstatic. Uncle Aro came to support my dad, and while talking about the new baby, he asked him what he looked like. Uncle Aro also had three daughters and had been wanting a son for a while now- my dad's answer was that his son was hairy and very manly. Bro's been teased about that ever since, he just shrugs and smiles his dimpled smile.

His dark hair and bronzed skin made him look like a small replica of our dad. He was his dream come true and gave him everything he wanted and some things that he didn't even want. He was outgoing, musically inclined playing the guitar and the piano, a natural athlete – the running back of his high school football team, a great tennis player, a track star, and an awarded swimmer. There was nothing he could not do in my dad's eyes.

The golden child, aka Emmett, was named after our grandfather a tough as nails man that never apologized for anything. He was a Ranch owner and a Cowboy. He loved his women and his whisky. His jet black hair, dark tanned skin, and his bright blue eyes made him irresistible to any female that crossed his path, and Emmett inherit that.

At the tender age of six he kissed his first girl, and later that day her older sister came to visit and while our mothers drank tea and gossip we played in the yard. I was too busy building a fort out of dirt and rocks to notice that Emmett was nowhere to be seen. A few minutes later he walked out of the outside laundry room wiping spit from his lips and fixing his hair and behind him the older sister with flushed cheeks and swollen lips smiled shyly at his back.

Yup, he was a regular Casanova.

I was born 2 years and 3 months after him I was his total opposite; I was blond, green eyed paled skin, thin, and very sickly. My mother and older sisters fuzzed over me ever since I can remember, I was always on one of their laps being fed from their plates, or being dressed up and played with like a small doll, I would get to sit on their beds and listen to them talk, or sing and dance to their records or the T.V. Emmett was always being kicked out, there excuse? "You'll get everything dirty with your dark hands" yes, he was discriminated for having darker skin, I learned early on that I was lucky in this family. My mother was tall and regal, long ashen blond locks, her skin was as white as milk, and her lovely green eyes were completely replicated in mine, she was beautiful, strong willful and at times opinionated and disgruntle, being the youngest child in her family she was spoiled rotten, and her ultimate rebellious act was to marry my father. She always kept a special eye on me, I was always at her side, and like my father with Emmett, I was her favorite and in her eyes I was the sun. As I got older I noticed that dad did love me too, but he hated the fact that my sisters and mother treated Emmett and I differently, he especially hated that I got babied too much, he would argue with her and at times there fights would get heated and there voices would rise in anger but then silence would startle us children and my sister Tania the 4th of the bunch would sneak to where they were and would catch them kissing or hugging, they loved each other above all.

At the age of 13 I found what I never knew I'd been missing.

Emmett had broken an arm while jumping from the roof of our one story house and landed on some leaves the wrong way, he'd been bed bound because of some cracked ribs also. I was used to having him as company in school, he was a friend magnet so I was always surrounded by people but this time he'd been home for about a week and I'd been lonely and sad, I was too shy to talk to his friends because I knew that I was only aloud to hang out with them because of Emmett.

As I sat on the low bench during recess eating my dry sandwich and drinking pop, I saw a beautiful girl holding a small dirty doll, and looking up to the tall brush of the trees. She would rub her eyes at times and look down for a few moments and then again turn her face up. She looked like a small flower trying to follow the sun; her long loose dark hair and almond cream skin, had me dazed. My eyes could not leave her form. She wore a clean school uniform, ratty worn shoes and knee socks, her legs had small bruises and scrapes, all of the sudden my perusal of her was cut short by a soccer ball that flew to the back of my head and knocked me over the bench and coming face to face with the dirt floor I blacked out.

A few moments later I could hear voices and murmurs. As I came to, a pair of beautiful hazel eyes with dark long lashes, a long straight nose and a pair of full pouty lips welcomed me. His hair was a dark chocolate brown, and against the light of the sun the different facets of it turned red and golden. His worried face made me smile.

One of the teachers came over and chastised everyone for playing too rough, I was taken to the infirmary and handed some large ice cubes covered with a white towel and told to hold it against the now protruding bump on the back of my head. A few minutes later nurse Roan came back and informed me that my mother would be picking me up. As she opened the door to leave I saw the boy that had broad me back. He sat on a stool in the front office, I would guess waiting for punishment and his parents, and by the look of his state, he was very sorry, his eyes were glassy and swollen from crying, his hands fidgeting on his lap, his knuckles turning white from the pressure, with the creek of the door he turn quickly and caught me looking, giving me a weak smile he waved at me. Thinking that he'd be angry at me for getting him in trouble I was stunned to see him acknowledge me.

I dropped down from the high examining table and walk towards him; I stood on the threshold and smiled at him, holding the melting ice cubes on my now very cold hand, they were not really helping my headache but his smile was distracting me from the pain.

"Hi" He whispered.

"Are you alright?" His voice sounded rough but at the same time worried.

"Yes, I just have a headache" I answered shyly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't really mean to hit you, and it's just that James and Felix were running too fast and I had to take the shot" he said with a pained expression.

"Oh" I said lamely. I was too mesmerized by his eyes and the way he moved his lips to really understand what he was saying.

We kept staring at eachother not speaking and after a few minutes the noise of the nurse coming back startled us both out of the daze. He leaned in as if sharing a secret.

"I'm Edward. What's your name?" he smiled.

"Jasper" I answered politely.

"I like you, maybe you can play soccer with us tomorrow during recess, well if I'm not suspended that is" he grimaced.

"Yeah, I'd like that" I smiled excitedly.

Nurse Roan came towards me and gave me a sad look. "You'll have to go to the hospital today, your mother is insisting, I've told your teacher to get your books" as she spoke Mary -one of my classmates, came handed me my backpack.

"Hope you feel better" she smiled and kissed my cheek. I brushed furiously and looked towards Edward; he had a small mischievous smile on his face.

After Mary ran off, I put the now very wet white towel on a small dish on a table near the door and slung my backpack in place, but before moving towards nurse Roan at the door that exited the infirmary, I heard a loud female voice.

"EDWARD ANTHONY CULLEN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW".

Edward cringed and looked down towards his lap, his whole body started shaking and his hands fisted his shirt hugging himself for comfort I would suppose. I looked towards nurse Roan and she smiled warily at me and whispered to keep Edward company until she calmed his mother.

So I dropped my backpack on the side of the door and walk towards Edward and put my arm over his shoulders. He stiffened a little but slowly moved his head and pressed his face to my chest, never looking up.

After a while the loud voice of Mrs. Cullen was a low murmur on the other side of the door. Edward and I kept still, listening for signs of the wrath of his mother.

A few minutes later I heard my mother's voice as well as Mrs. Cullen's and nurse Roan opened the door and asked us to come with her. Edward moved away from me to stand and I felt the cold wet of his tears on my shirt. He'd been so worried.

That night my mind wouldn't let me sleep. I kept thinking about Edward. I felt worried for him, after we came outside the infirmary nurse Roan had given Edward's mother some calming tea and talked her down from the state of fury she'd been in when she first arrived at the school. My mother and 3 older sisters Esme, Carmen and Kate had taken me to the hospital, Tanya, Irina and Alice had been home with Emmett and taking care of our baby sister Vanessa, she was only 6 and was a real handful. After x-raying my head they ruled out any kind of injury calming my mother's nerves. So I got ice-cream and a new book.

When we got home Esme started cooking my favorite meal -Spaghetti and meatballs. I ate like it was my last meal, to the delight of my mother and sisters. Before going to sleep Emmett and I talked a little about what happen and I told him about my new friend Edward.

My older brother -even if he was a little dense, always cared about me and helped me with everything. He was very patient with me. He let me talk his ear off about Edward for the most part of the night and when my mother heard my voice and came to check on us, I heard Emmett's low snore covering us from getting scolded. I smiled, he was a great brother.

I was a little sad the next day to find out that Edward had been suspended for the incident, I didn't dare ask his friends, judging by the disgruntled looks they shot my way as I walked past the soccer field I could assume that they were angry he'd gotten in trouble, surely we wouldn't be friends soon.

I spend the last two days recess of that week sitting behind a bush eating my sandwich, drinking my pop and reading a comic book that Emmett had lend me, although I wasn't really supposed to bring it to school, but I did to pass the time, and to not miss him and Edward very much. I saw the lovely girl several times those days, she was always doing the same thing from the first time I'd seen. Her face would turn up and she'd close her eyes relishing the sun on her face. Her small doll never left her side.

The next week Emmett was taken to an appointment to get checked out because the pain in his ribs had gotten worse causing him to have shortness of breath, worried about him having more fractures that could intrude with his lungs and not being able to play sports, dad took him on an early Monday before work. I watched as dad helped him get dressed and kissed his head when he winced in pain from moving his body. Dad practically carried him to the door, but Emmett protested saying he'd get hurt from his heavy weight and then where would they be.

A few minutes later Esme and Kate came over to wake me up and get me ready for school, Kate grumbled about it being her turn to help me pick out my clothes. I just smiled at them and kissed Kate's check and told her I wanted French toast for breakfast. She smiled and rushed to the kitchen. It was great how they all fussed over me.

At recess I found Edward sitting under a tree reading what looked like a small book, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open, he would shift on his seat and at times press his hand to the front of his pants and look up and around himself as if he'd been keeping an eye out. I watched him for a few moments and then decided to approach him.

Shyly, I walked slowly waiting if he'd see me, but he furrowed his brow and wouldn't look up, when I was close enough standing over him blocking the sunlight his magnetic hazel eyes meet mine. He smiled and patted the grass beside him signaling for me to join him. Without a word I quickly and eagerly sat down, and my eyes bugged out and my hand covered my mouth as I gasp at the pictures on the small book he held in front of us.

Voluptuous and scantily dressed drawn women in every page, various images of men with hungry eyes and bulges in their pants, he turned several pages to show me then how the men exposed there private parts to the women and they would gasp and then on another page the woman was sitting on the man's lap the small dialogue bubble expressing her excitement and pleasure. The whole recess I sat close to Edward as he fingered the pages of the book, and at times he would go back to see the images at the beginning telling me about his favorites, I only nodded.

I could feel my blush intensified everytime Edward would look up at me from the little book, his intense eyes analyzing if I was enjoying myself. When the bell finally rang and we had to get back to class, we slowly stood, the pressure inside my pants was painful, I felt embarrassed and walked to the boys' washroom.

Edward worrying about my limping followed me in; as I went into one of the stalls he took the one beside mine.

I huffed in pain as I undid my slacks and pulled out my penis, this had happened to me before just as I would wake up in the morning, it would stop as soon as I relieved myself, but this time it was too difficult, my penis had harden and when I touched it, I felt a little pain, the type you feel when you crack your neck, it hurts a little but you feel relief.

I huffed several times.

"Are you alright?" Edward's voice sounded above me.

I lifted my face and startled as I saw him looking down at me, he'd been standing on the toiled, his eyes wore the same worried look I first remember seeing above as I came to and then at the infirmary, he looked so beautiful.

Angry at my thoughts I lashed out at him.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I screamed in fright.

"Shhh! They'll know we skipped and will get in trouble" He tried to placate me.

"Stop looking" I frowned more embarrassed.

"It's no big deal, mines just like yours right now" He smiled.

"What?" I startled.

"Yeah, come on. Open your door, I'll show you" He moved away from the edge of the stall wall.

I heard him climb down and the patting of his feet coming close to my door. But I stayed put.

"So are you letting me in or not?" His voice was amused.

"Of course I'm not" I whispered.

"Suit yourself, I was gonna tell ya how to make it stop doing that, but if you're too chicken to find out? Then I'm just gonna walk to class, bye" I heard his steps quieted as he left the washroom.

I sighed in relief. It was too embarrassing even if he knew how to stop this, I just couldn't face him, I'd been enjoying his company, he smelled like vanilla and almonds, his hair had brushed my cheek several times while we sat together, it tickled and my insides would hum and I felt warmer each time.

After shifting my hand several times trying to press it down, I felt a jolt inside my stomach I closed my eyes frightened as thoughts of Edward's eyes and his smile, his scent and his voice came to me, the warmth intensified and spread over my body, I felt the sweat cover my brow, I licked my dry lips from my harsh breathing and then something burned inside me and I felt it rush out of me, leaving my penis. I opened my eyes and the toilet seat was covered in a white gooey liquid, and then I could pee. I did and more of that liquid came out, I felt worried but it felt really good, so I tried again as if it'd been peeing and held my flesh tightly, but instead of hurting, it felt good, I felt warm, I stroked it experimentally and more liquid shot out, so I kept doing it until there was no more. My knees buckled and I sat on the floor, I felt exhausted and sleepy. Sitting there for a few minutes catching my breath I heard a voice over me.

"That was cool, I never get to shoot so much" His dazzling eyes stared at mine.

Edward moved down and came under the stall doors, helped me up and opened the door. We walked to the sinks and I washed my hands, he kept looking at me with awe. I couldn't help but blush and tuck my face to my chest several times. If he'd known I'd been thinking about him, he'd probably hate me. That was my little secret that I had to keep from everyone but most of all from Edward, I had him as a friend but I was sure if he'd known he'd never speak to me again.

**~~J & E~~**

"You are not wearing that. Are you?" He looks me up and down doubting my fashion sense. He's always been more interested in that stuff.

Don't get me wrong I love my Armani and Gucci but for everyday comfort I need my Levis Jeans and band t-shirts, boots in winter, vans the rest of the year. There's not much change in the weather here so I only wear boots when we fly to Chicago and visit our families. Reverting to our old lumberjack type shirts, loose jeans, boots… you know anything to not display my sexual orientation.

Shit!

I know what you're asking yourself now. Why would he be so scared to come out to his family?

Well… It's a long story.

And I plan to tell you, but I need time, it's always been difficult for me to express myself to others, especially my family. They'd always had a special idea of who I am. My mother loves me so much that she still sends me home-baked cookies almost every two weeks, she's an old fashion type of mom, and asks at any given time when I'll be making her a Granny. My sisters insist on calling me several times a week just to see if I'm eating, exercising, if there's a special someone in my life. They're all great, my brother especially, he's got his family now. three kids. Can you believe that? A guy that was way too interested in getting any girl he set his eyes on is now happily married and has kids.

Rose is the complete opposite of him, she's short, curvy and blond. Her deep blue almost turquoise colored eyes are one of her most beautiful features. Her beautiful accepting heart is another.

Remember when I told you that Melinda, my niece, Esme's oldest daughter was the only one that knew about us? Well Rose the incredibly intuitive person that she is, found out two years ago on Christmas break. I'd asked her to help me with the dishes, an excuse so that I could get some input on my brother's health, he's so stubborn that he always says he's fine but I knew better. He'd been having serious digestive issues at the time, we later found out it was a small twist in one of his intestines, minor laparoscopy surgery was performed and he was right as rain again. Chugging down beers and scarfing down buffalo hot wings.

So when we were talking about this her emotional rollercoaster reminded me about mine and I accidentally mention the horrible scare Edward had given me when he almost drowned while surfing -the surfboard hit his head and he treaded water, if it wasn't for Garret… I hate to think about it.

For a second there I forgot who I was talking to and went on to mention that the ride to the hospital was the worst thing I've ever lived through. Her beautiful expressive eyes had a knowing twinkle in them.

My face fell and the fright in my eyes told her more then words could have ever explained. She held my hands and told me not to worry, that love was love and that whatever, or more importantly whoever, made me happy that it was OK. I begged her not to tell anyone and she promised to keep my secret, but she also let me know that she knew Emmett would understand if I just gave him a chance. "He loves you, and worries about you not having what we have, he wants to see you happy, so I'm guessing that whatever you tell him he'll be OK with it". She leaned in and gave me a sisterly peck on the check.

I'd promised to think about it but I put it off so much, thinking it through and mauling over it that I got sick and then it was time to get back to our lives.

Last year we didn't go. Edward was too busy and I just hated to go without him, it's not like we'd stay together in a Hotel or at one of our parent's guest rooms.

I blink out of my contemplative daze and I grip my hair in frustration; he always does this to me just before we have to be somewhere.

"What do you suggest?" I grit my teeth and smile, trying not to make a big deal out of his need to dress me up like a doll. It reminds me of my sisters and their obsession for picking out my clothing every morning, and buying my clothes for me.

He runs back to our room as I stand in the living room breathing deeply and trying not to pick a fight with him. He's already nervous. I mean it's not everyday that you get to meet your lover's son.

I sit on the cream colored sofas that he picked out last month that he said went great with the light taupe window treatments his interior designer friend talk him into. The large carpet that accentuates and brings out the small flecks of gold in the wooden knick-knacks over the mantel and the wood flooring he got us for our last anniversary, make the room homey, stylish and warm.

He's always finding little treasures, last months his thing was antique picture frames, he hung almost all the pictures I took of us and all the places we've been, on the wall of every room in the apartment, Garret his surf buddy took some great shots of him shooting waves, I put those in an electronic frame and placed it on my desk in my office at work so that I can see his happy excited smile.

He comes back to the living room with a pair of black lace up boots and a light blue with navy striped dress shirt. I look at the items and figure, what the hell, anything to make him feel secure.

I stand and take them from him and change. He's wearing a heather-gray light sweater, jeans and his Alexander McQueen suede leather grey boots that I got him for Christmas, he called them his stomping boots. He wears them when he wants to feel powerful or in control. I smirk as I see them on his feet.

"What?" He asks concerned.

"Nothing babe. You look good." I shake my head, he's so sweet and I can read him like a book.

I finish lacing up my MARSELL boots that he loves me in and finish buttoning the shirt. "Should I tuck it in?" I ask him before we leave. I want him to be happy and relaxed and not thinking that I look weird, he shakes his head no and goes into the hall closet and comes back with my All Saints Cardigan. Nights have been getting chilly now that we're close to October.

As he hands it to me and turns to get his own, I grab him by the wrist pulling him towards me. His eyes are downcast and his lips are in a thigh lopsided smirk, that smirk tells me so much he won't. It speaks of insecurity, it tells me that he's worried I'll see her again, and will want to be part of her life.

Last night, we talked about it. I held him against me, legs tangled under the sheets, his head against my shoulder, and his hand caressing my chest after we'd made love. I told him that he's the most important thing to me, that whatever this is, whatever she's seeking me out for, we are solid.

"She is my past Edward. You are my present, my forever, baby" I whispered in his ear.

He smiled at my words and kissed my lips as I looked down towards him. My fingers webbed in his soft hair. He's what I've always needed; he's what I've always had while I stupidly thought I had to search for it.

I know why he worries about this, but we were very young, and not sure of ourselves... well at least I wasn't. He says he knew I was the one, the moment he saw me opening my eyes when he knocked me out with that soccer ball. I chuckle at the memory.

But now, he won't meet my eyes, he just presses his forehead against my chest, his fingers are inside of my front jean pockets softly pulling me towards him. He's thinking.

"Are we OK, honey?" his voice is so low that if I wasn't standing so close to him I would not have heard him.

"We're perfect baby. Now tell me what are you worrying about? Tell me so that we can make it better" I press my nose to the crown of his head, take a long whiff, and immediately my body relaxes. His honey almond scent, just as I've always remembered it.

"I don't know, I woke up excited and now that we're so close to going, I feel like…. I don't know"

He struggles with his words, but I know what's wrong, it's the fact that his sister just had a baby and his mother sent him pictures of the little guy and he looks just like him when he was young. Elizabeth is Edward's twin sister and as I've told him before it was bound to happen, but the baby looks practically like a clone of Edward, right down to those intense hazel eyes. So, he's been thinking about it, and now that I have a child, or that his mother is trying to bring me into his life, it worries him.

"Baby? I need to see your eyes. Would you please look at me?" I place my finger under his chin and slowly lift up his face to see those amazing eyes that hold so much love for me. But now they're in turmoil and swim with uncertainty.

Leaning in I kiss his lips softly, our kisses are always so passionate but this kiss is more of a tender greeting.

"I love you and nothing is going to change between us, I made her have the test done so that we could be sure about this, I took all the precautions, and we've discussed this, we will only be in his life if WE feel comfortable" I smile at him.

"But Jazz, what if she wants more from you? She's asked you before? I just don't want to stand in your way if you think you could be happier with them". He looks at my shirt while arranging the collar.

I hold his hands still and he looks into my eyes.

"What are you talking about? I don't want her, I never did. I've always wanted you, we've talked about this, I'll never be able to make you understand of how sorry I felt when you saw me with her, I thought I'd lost you, I thought you were happy with Jacob, and since I wasn't really sure if I was really gay or just gay for you…" He chuckles at my last words.

"I know, I'm sorry to bring this up again" He blushes and kisses my lips.

"I understand and we're passed this, it's stupid to bring it up again… Ancient history, dead and buried." He smiles at me trying to placate the outburst that he caused.

"No babe, if you need to talk about it again, it might be that you're not really over it, we can talk about it if you want. I can call Maria and tell her we can't make it, maybe next week that will give us tim-…."

But he cuts me off before I keep rambling by kissing me again. This time his arms wrap around my body and he presses himself against me, his sweet tongue invaded not just my mouth but my senses, I stroke it with my own and moan at the feeling. His hands caress my shoulders and his fingers then move to the back of my neck finding "his spot" as he calls it. He rubs small circles there and I moan again, he knows exactly how and where to touch me to drive me wild. He doesn't have to do much, just having him this close with his hard body pressed to mine, stirs the flames of want. My pants start to feel too tight, I press myself against him seeking friction that he so happily gives me.

My hands that had been pulling him by his slim waist against me, are now moving up towards his shoulders, caressing him and then finding his neck, I move his head guiding the kiss, to deepen it further. I take over as always, and he lets me. I nip at his lover lip loving the grunt of pleasure he gives me, we are rubbing against each other finding release, he pressed harder against me, and it's just too much for me to take. I put my hands under his ass and lift him up to carry him to the couch. With the movement he giggles happily and I come face to face with his neck and lean in to nibble there. I love his skin, it's so soft. I kiss, and lap, nibble carefully just to elicit more pants from him but careful enough not to bruise the skin.

I don't have to mark him, I know he's mine, and I am his.

I lay him down following his body. I hover over him pressing our trapped erections against each other. Its pleasurable torcher of the greatest kind. His lips find my neck and he kisses and licks a line up to my ear, one of my erogenous zones that he loved to tease me with when we were still friends and nothing more. He whispers slowly about how I make him feel, that he loves me, that he can't ever be without me, that I'm everything to him. I know all of this, but it helps him too. He knows without words that I would do anything for him, be anything he needed, move heaven and hell just to see him smile. But his words are more for him than me. It reassures him that we are in this together.

I continue rubbing against him but he suddenly stops me, by pushing my chest away from him, I move reluctantly and grunt against his chest, when I bend over to lift myself from his body and the couch. I look down at him. He's beautiful with his wild hair that I messed up in our passion, his naturally pouty lips are more swollen and kissable and it's because they were on mine pressing his love and passion for me. I look at his chest, how it moves up and down with his fast breathing and it's timed to mine, every one of our breaths is perfectly in sync, going lower to that beautiful bulge of want in his pants, and I just want to forget everything and drag him to bed and suck him until he gives me everything I need.

But his smile and his next words let me know more then anything else that he truly loves me, like I do him.

"We'll, be late and I would love to meet this little person that is half you". His smile is genuine and his eyes are full of love.

I hold out my hands to help him up, he takes them and I pull him towards me. When we're face to face I kiss him hard, taking him by surprise, he smiled against my lips and I hear him giggle.

"Oh, babe you gotta stop that or we'll never leave" He says brightly and squeezes my erection over my pants, making me grunt. He moves quickly to the door grabbing our coats and the keys.

He waits for me at the elevator with an innocent serious face. I walk out after I hear the ding signaling the opening doors of the elevator, not enough time to compose myself but I think of something unpleasant to quell my erection, barely succeeding.

Three stop lights and I still can't manage to stop rocking the car with my swiveling nervous leg. Edward keeps smirking every time and puts his hand on my knee to stop it. A block away I can see the parking lot to the small Mexican Family Restaurant Maria picked out. Everything looks familiar. I've been here before, a while back, when Edward and I were still not official.

When the light turns green Edwards suddenly stops me. "Pull over babe" His voice is demanding.

I do what he says and find a clear parking spot next to the curb and turn off the engine.

We silently stay like this for a few seconds and then he turns his whole body towards mine.

"OK, this is what's gonna happen. You are going to get out of the car and I'm going to drive" I look at him skeptical. Why would him driving my car help anyone? Besides with my luck he'll scratch the paint.

"Stop obsessing about your damn car, I won't scratch it, I promise. But what I mean is I'd drive us the rest of the way and you'll get out while I park the car, -and yes I'll find a good spot so that no one can mess with your baby. OK so I park the car and you meet up with Maria. I'll sit on the outside tables and order my dinner while you guys talk and when you're ready just text me and I'll be there. She doesn't have to know that I'm here with you. I don't want her to go all ape shit like last time. I know she still doesn't know about us, Jasper" His eyes are worried for me. He strokes my hand then lowering his eyes to his movements.

How did I get so lucky?

I mean you can have a great spouse that understands you and cares for you deeply. That knows all your secrets and still accepts you, but to have someone so understanding of your every need, and even be so selfless as to accept to hide his/her presence, when others would go crazy and make a scene? How? Seriously he can even read my mind. Plain and simple, Love.

My eyes fill with tears and my vision blurs. I leaned in and take his bottom lip between mine, he hums against my lips and kisses me softly, I'm letting him know that he's great, that I love him, that I need him and most of all that I appreciate all he does for me. He breaks our kiss too soon for my liking.

"Alright baby, let's fix you up again. You can't be all watery when you meet your son." He wipes the paths of the tears that escaped my eyes with his thumb and then rubs it against his lips.

"Trading them for smiles and laughter" He says, his own eyes a little wet too.

I mimic him but instead of using my thumbs, I kiss his face.

"I love you, and you don't have to hide. I want you right there beside me. I need you there. You're my rational side."

I look into his eyes. But I see the doubt in them, and I made that. I've been doing that ever since we officially got together. All this stupid hiding, all this secrecy has made him feel like I have to hide him, like I'm ashamed when I'm totally the opposite. It hits me like lightning that we need to be out together, and not just around our friends, but with our families, with our co-workers. It's stupid of me to only have that small electronic picture frame with pictures of Edward in my office. When all that represents me and my life is hidden from anyone's view.

"Are you sure, honey?" His voices brings me back from my EUREKA moment, and I smile at him.

"Of course I do, we're in this together and nothing or no one will break that up" I hold his face and lean in and peck his lips, moving faster then he would have anticipated he leans forward as I'm turning to get out of the car.

"Where are you going?" He looks confused and a little sulky.

"Your driving" I say as I get out of the car to climb back in but to the passenger seat. He has already climbed over the middle divider and is now adjusting the seat to his lower height. I cringe a little hating that he's messing with it, but remember the big picture and that is that I have to let him lead me. So far he's never led me wrong.

Three minutes later we are climbing out of the truck which has been parked at the far end of the parking lot so as not to get scratched or banged with other's car doors. He presses the small device attached to the keychain and the roof halogen headlights flik signaling the car locking and the alarm switching on. He hands me the keys and I take his hand instead, treading my fingers with his. Forming a united front we walk to the Restaurant.

The hostess smiles politely at us and asks how many in our party. The place is alive with a live mariachi band. I look around the place nervously looking for a familiar face and I find it to my far left on a corner booth. From what I can see from here, she looks too thin and her jet black hair is streaked in platinum. She spots me, but then frowns when she sees Edward.

I feel Edward tug my hand a little making me halt.

"It's alright baby. I don't care what she thinks. I'm with you and I'm happy. Whatever happens I'm leaving with you to our home" I whisper close to his ear so that he can hear me above the loud music.

He relaxes a little and lets me lead him to the table where a now indifferent Maria sits alone.

"Hey" I greeted her and I signal for Edward to sit across from Maria. He slides inside the booth and pulls me to sit beside him.

"Hola" her voice sounds annoyed.

"How are you?" I make conversation.

"Pues mira. Primero me entero que el hombre con el que salía por 8 meses, se acuesta con su mejor amigo, luego que me explica que en realidad no era cierto, se espanta porque el dicho amigo nos ve en plena cogida. El mismo hombre me termina y luego me entero por otra persona que me ha dejado por el amigo joto. Meses después, me entero que estoy embarazada y que es de el. Mi madre se enferma y muere y me quedo totalmente sola y cuando necesito un amigo me entero que se ha mudado a no se donde jodidos. Como chingados crees que estoy cabron?" Her Spanish tirade is so loud and fast that I can only catch certain words, like going out for 8 months, and sleeping with his best friend, leaving me for him, Mom dying and Cabron which means Fucker. She used to use that one a lot when we dated.

Edward has been squeezing my hands so hard under the table that I can't feel my fingers. His posture is rigid and his face is a mask of anger.

"OK, I got about half of that, but I would love to know all of it, so English please Maria." I remember saying this so many times during our time together, and it's not really pleasant memories that I'm thinking about.

"Que? Ya porque te gusto la verga se te olvido todo lo que yo te enseñe?" Her eyes are like daggers being thrown at Edward. And I am not having that.

"Look, You asked me here to talk. So Talk. What do you want? It's been almost 7 years now and you hadn't said anything about him. Why now? Does he need anything? Is he hurt? Money? Is that what it is? You need money for him? I told you on the phone when we started speaking again that I'd help with child support and I'll do it, for him. But you and I, Maria... We were never supposed to be." I feel Edward's posture relax a little. I know he was worried. She looks over to him and sneers.

"I know that now." Her voice is resigned.

Our waitress comes for our order but she sees our rigid stands and decides to come back later.

"So where is he?" I look over her shoulder and around the restaurant trying to figure out if she brought him.

"I wasn't sure you wanted to meet him" She sounds indifferent again.

I frown, and take the menu. Edward mimics me and let's go of my hand. He takes the water the hostess had left with the menus and sips from it a little. He's trying to make this as painless as possible. I know he's raging inside but he's calm for me.

"So can we talk without your...guy in our way" She looks over to Edward again, with an evil smile.

"Oh, don't worry honey whatever you tell him he'll just tell me later at home." Edward was holding in too much, something had to leak through. I smirk at his childish behavior and bump his shoulder with mine. He looks at me with wide innocent eyes and mouths WHAT? I just shake my head at his adorableness.

"Hmmm, OK, so here's the thing.." Maria huffs at our intimate gestures and goes on to tell me the whole story.

She goes on to tell me how she moved it with Gianna after she left me there on the carpeted floor of my old apartment crying for my gay lover, her eyes look over at Edward in disgust when she mentions that. After having several arguments and all out fights with Gianna, she ended up moving in with Caius. She was there for a week when Raul contacted her to tell her that her mom was very ill. She flew to Sonora and stayed with her until she died. Two weeks before that she found out she was pregnant with Eric Jasper Whitlock. He is six-years-old and was born in San Diego. Maria's step-sister Nadia, who she'd never meet until their mother's funeral helped her get back to the US and took care of her during the pregnancy. She got her clean and into a rehab program after Eric was born and helped her with the baby and supported her until she got back on her feet.

When Eric was a few months old Nadia had convinced Maria to contact me. She knew it was my baby but was scared of my rejection after everything that had happen.

After some arguments, Nadia send a written letter for me but Raul couldn't find my new address or where I worked. After some time Sam the concierge of the Biltmore took pity on Maria and Eric, since she'd come to talk to him several times with no result. And gave her information on Edward's new job. But since it was for Edward she didn't contact him.

She found work as a cook in a Mexican Restaurant in South L.A. and slowly but surely rebuilds her life again, for her son. I see her look over my shoulder when she mentions him. I turn back and see a tall thin man with shaggy hair, almond cream skin and brown eyes, sitting at a table on the far side of the restaurant with a young boy with light brown hair and light skin. He's talking happily gesturing wildly. The man is smiling and nodding to him, he looks so patient with him. They look related.

"That's Eli... Eliezer my boyfriend, he's known Eric all his life and wants to adopt him when we get married" She looks over to them with happiness in her eyes.

"He's been through most of this shit with me, you know? He loves EJ like if he was his" She looks over at me, her eyes are now filled with anger.

I look over to her, and then lower my eyes to her red painted acrylic nails tapping slowly on the table top.

I nod in agreement and feel the warmed of Edward's hand on my leg, soothing me, supporting me giving me strength. I feel him turning towards my son and looking at him. I turn to see him smiling at the boy, his eyes are hopeful and understanding.

"So what would you like me to do Maria? You obviously have a plan here? Does he even know about me?" my voice is soft but feels a little angry.

"He does. He knows he has a Daddy. And wants to meet you but Eliezer is his Papa, he knows him and loves him. He has your name Jasper, I gave him your name and you're on his birth certificate" she says softly, and trails off like she's preparing for something difficult now.

"He was born with... health issues, the kind that don't run in my family. He's been through so much...so I need for you to get tested; you might be a match..." Her eyes are swimming in tears now. Edward hands her a napkin and she takes it without a word. She whimpers a little and then takes a deep breath trying to compose herself so to keep talking.

I must look confused while waiting for her to finish.

"He has leukemia" Her voice cracks.

It hits me like a ton of bricks. Not only have I never met him or known about him but now he's sick and I might be able to be the cure. My body feels cold except for the hand on my thigh that now Edward is rubbing. I feel him lean closer to me and whisper quietly but I can't make up the words.

Maria's face turns panicked and I hear her say "what's wrong with him?" to Edward.

I feel his hands on my cheeks as he slowly and carefully turns my face towards his and I see those soothing hazel eyes that do anything and everything for me, they are my heaven from the crazy and horrible moments in my life. They take me to beautiful place that I could only dream about. Now they're bringing me back to reality.

"...that's it baby. Breathe slowly. I got you. You're fine. I need you to calm down now Jasper. Everything's going to be OK. Breath...Breath..." And I do, I breath like he tells me to do. I feel the wetness on my cheeks and Edward's breathe on my face as he sets his slow deep breaths for me to follow.

And I do. He's never led me wrong.

**~~J & E~~**

After several minutes in the men's restroom with Edward. I feel much better. He calmed my panic attack so well. I'm so grateful that I didn't make a scene and scared off my son...My son...he's sick he needs me...Fuck. Why would this be happening? I knew my grandmother had died of cancer and one of my father's younger sisters had passed while really young too because of it. But none of my siblings or their kids had it. Would I be the cursed one?

Fuck!

"Stop it now" I hear Edward's authoritative voice.

I look over to him leaning against the long bathroom counter. His eyes are intent to my every move.

"I know what you're thinking and it's not your fault. You didn't do this. It's bull shit. It's just bad luck or one of life's crazy gambles. I mean none of your siblings or their kids have that"

He knows me so well.

"But she's asking me to fix it Edward. What the fuck am I gonna do?" I run my hands through my shorter corn field blond hair. I look at my reflection in the mirror. Seeing my red rimmed eyes and blotchy skin. I grab a hand towel from the dispenser and roughly wipe my face and nose with it. He takes it away from me and carefully runs it under my eyes and the sides of my face, capturing all the moisture there from my crying.

"Well... first you gotta take a breath and stop that panicky voice" He smiles at me.

"And then you're going to kiss me hard and groping my ass in gratitude for loving you so much" He giggles when I lean forward pressing him further against the long counter. Pressing my lips to his and wrapping my hands around his body. I skim his back and then roughly grab his ass with both hands. He squeaks into my mouth and I can't stop smiling.

He fake punches me and I'm back to normal.

He's that good.

**~~J & E~~**

We walk to the booth to see Maria sitting right where we left her but she is now joined by her boyfriend who sits beside her. His arm is around her shoulders and he is whispering into her ear.

On the other side sits a young little boy with bright blue eyes, his nose, lips and brow are captured exactly as if copied from a framed picture that sits on my parent's living room. He just need the cowboy hat and the smirk.

I feel Edward squeezed my shoulder and I turn to see him gesturing that he'll sit on another table. I feel the panic again but he smiles at me and whispers "Go meet your son. I'm right here" I nod worried and sit on the chair that was brought.

**~~J & E~~**

His face is covered in chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream, he is smiling at me and has been telling me all about his school, friends and every little detail that he can remember including some scars he has on his elbow from jumping on his bed. He has perfectly described his room at home and is now telling me about his pet turtle "verde". He hasn't stop smiling and neither have I. Maria and Eliezer are sitting on the booth behind him. I've moved now to sit across from EJ -how he likes to be called, and had ordered him an ice cream sundae against Maria's warnings to me. "its way too much sugar" she said with a worried look on her face. But Eliezer whispered something to her and she relaxed and said "Great idea. Maybe you can share it with your Daddy, EJ?" That got him excited and he bounced on his seat until the waitress came to take our order.

**~~J & E~~**

"I will. When? Is he in danger...right now?" I ask through the phone. I'm pacing our living room. It's 10 am and yesterday afternoon I meet my son for the first time.

"So Cedars children's ward at 10 am Wednesday the 22nd" I repeat for Edward to write it down.

"Yes, I know...Alright... You too...Hey buddy! So your mom just told me that I'm gonna be seeing you in two weeks... Yup really excited...aha...really? That's awesome...OK... yup... Maybe it could be blue or red... OK green it is! Alright then I'll talk to you tomorrow...bye... I love you too!" My eyes filled with tears while I look over the blue of the water. I feel warm arms around me. "He loves me Ed" I tell him.

"I know" He whispers against my shoulder.

"This is so weird" I laugh incredulous.

"Why?" He hugs me a little tighter.

I turn in his arms to look into his questioning eyes. "I never thought I would be someone's dad. You were the one always playing with kids. My nieces and nephews love you. I never got the whole kids thing. And now..." I shrug looking at his lips.

"What?" he presses for me to keep going.

"I don't know...I just feel so helpless...I mean I just met him. I only found out about him a few months ago and now I feel like my life wouldn't be complete without him... Is that crazy?" I look at him for an answer.

"Nope, I don't think so. He's a little piece of you that you never knew but still he's part of you. A real life, living, breathing person that will grow up and be part of who you are. He's your print in this world. And I think it's more than crazy... I think it's great" He leans in and pecked my lips.

"OK, I think this is way too early for us to be having such deep conversations and on a day off no less.. Feed me. I'm starved" He slaps my ass and moves away quickly from me. Dropping down on the cream colored couch grabbing the remote and flicking the huge plasma screen, he presses another button closes the blinds from the intense sunlight of the morning.

**~~J & E~~**

I'm fidgeting nervously pacing the floor of the waiting room of Cedar's Sinai Hospital. I'm alone because Edward had a big emergency at work and couldn't come with me. It's Wednesday the 22nd, and I'm about to be admitted for a test to determined if I'm a positive match to donate bone marrow. If I am I will be donating for my six year old son who has leukemia.

I haven't told my parents about EJ yet. I want to ask Maria if I can bring him home with me for two weeks in the summer next year. I won't be flying to Chicago for the holidays this year. I wanna stay in the same state as EJ. He's made plans and begged Maria to invite me and Edward to her step-sister's for Christmas. She's been reluctant to admit that Edward is a great person, but they have so much in common.. She still can't get over the fact that I'm with him.

It's been a bumpy two weeks I've been stressed at work and about this procedure. And I've been praying lately. Which is a real shocker to Edward let alone me. I was born catholic and my family is a very devoted church going, God fearing bunch. So for me to not pray would seemed odd. But after I moved in with Edward I let God follow and not really guide my life.

Now that I'm here seems like I'm not aloud to pray. I feel ashamed for not doing it sooner maybe EJ wouldn't have been born with all these problems... Shit I could just go crazy with all the "what if's..." But now that it's said and done, I want to start again. I force myself to sit on one of the chairs and close my eyes. My mind wanders to his little face when I went to pick him up from school with Maria. I got him a large fish tank for his pet turtle "verde" which he so nicely told me means green in Spanish. I knew that but it was fun watching him light up when he thought he'd thought me something new.

I got him four more turtles so that "verde" won't be lonely he was so happy when I told him me and Edward were coming later that night to help him set everything up.

He took a liking to Edward right away and even showed him his baseball card collection that his Papa Eli had been helping him accumulate. I saw his room it was what any little boy would have liked. Maria really does a great job with him.

I sat and drank coffee with her while Edward and EJ talked in the living-room. She told me about the insurance issues and I promised to fix it so that EJ was covered with my insurance. So after a big hug and a kiss to my cheek I said goodnight to EJ and Maria. And Edward and I went home. That was almost a week ago.

_Please God, let me be a match for him. I know I haven't been in his life for the important milestones, but please let me help him here, where I know counts the most. _I recite in my head and "Our father" and a "Hail Mary" and cross myself the way my mom taught us kids to.

"Mr. Whitlock?" A short curvy woman in blue scrubs calls.

"That's me" my voice sounds a little shaky.

"Follow me please" She walks guiding me to a set of doors to a hospital room. I'm instructed to undress and wear a hospital gown. Later I sit there nervously fidgeting. I hear a familiar voice and all my anxiety and nerves come to the surface and my eyes water when I see him open the door.

"Oh, honey I thought I'd missed you before you went in" He practically runs to me and hugs me. I feel the warmed of his breath on my neck and the calming process starts. I feel my eyes wet but everything will work out because he's here.

"You're here" I whisper a little shocked up. He moves to look into my eyes.

"Of course I am. I wouldn't leave you alone in this" He smiles at me and I see that his eyes are glassy too. He leans closer and kisses my lips softly reassuring me of his support. I kiss him hungrily and press my flimsy covered cock against his. He hums and smiles at my naughty gesture.

"Easy there, big fella. You're gonna be in front of doctors and nurses with that monster standing at attention? Take a moment, babe" He smirks and chuckles. That sound makes me feel so much better.

"Then you better stop giving me that sexy smirk of yours" I tease him back. He smiles at my words and lets me pull him to sit beside me on the hospital bed.

We talk for a little while. He tells me about a crazy guest the hotel has that was the source of today's emergency. He distracts me with his story that I forget everything until a male nurse and the lovely curvy nurse from before come to get me. They've brought in a stretcher and ask me to get on and then lie down; they carefully put a catheter on my left hand, and start me up on a drip.

At this point my anxiety is spiking up again and my body feels like it's vibrating from it. The nurse... she's close to read her name tag this time...Scarlet, smiles sympathetically. "Everything's gonna be alright. Just relax, it's going to be a little discomfort but you're doing something really brave and selfless" her smile is reassuring.

Edward kisses my lips before I'm wheeled out of the room, and in to a cold operating room. Several other people are there getting equipment and things ready. I see nurse Scarlet leave and I feel frighten again. This must be done so I breath deeply and try to relax.

A man comes closer to me and introduces himself as my anesthesiologist and gives me a handshake he's very calming. The doctor doing the procedure also comes closer and introduces himself, and begins to explain what the procedure in tales. After a few minutes they start the drip with the anesthesia and I begin to feel drowsy.

My mind starts to roll back to my Edward, he's the best person I know. I remember him always taking care of me since we met. Always sharing his lunch with me, including me in all the activities, changing classroom so that we could work together, always picking me as his partner for any and every class. Supporting my crazy ideas and dreams for the future. Coming with me to any and every important thing in my life. I also remember when we left Chicago, how he believed in me and helped me find a job and then supported me when I finished my internship at the hotel. How he never asked for anything but always gave me everything. And his friendly gestures that always made me feel special. Getting my favorite cereal at the store when he bought the groceries, getting me new clothes and not letting me pay him back, if I fell asleep on the couch he'd always cover me with a blanket, or leave a light on for me when I got home late. Cooking dinner for me when I was too tired. Buying take out and surprising me with a great movie when I thought he'd be spending time with a new guy. I also remember how I felt when I started dating Maria. At first it was just a friendship that turned into something else because of a drunken night.

I'd stayed late at the Biltmore prepping for a huge event we were hosting, Maria had offered to stay and help. I'd been drinking wine trying to relax but it was getting to me that Edward had been a little distant, he'd started dating this guy and I hadn't seen him for a few nights. And it was really getting to me.

I never confided in anyone so it really surprised me when Maria asked me what was wrong and I just blurted out everything. It felt like I had just unplugged a drain and the whole tub full of water was draining faster then I could stop it.

After more drinks, we sat in my office eating some different desserts I'd prepared as options for the day after. And she confessed to having a crush on me. I don't know if it was the wine or the loneliness of missing Edward but I let her kiss me when she leaned in close to me. Her hands ran against my body and I forgot everything. After that night, she made it a habit of waiting for me and we'd either fuck in my office or go to her place. To me it wasn't really a relationship put she made it into one. She'd have small thoughtful gestures, bring me little gifts, she remembered my birthday that year and got me a Bulova watch, and cooked a very nice diner served at one of the nicer private room of the hotel. She was trying to move things along, when I noticed she was drinking way too much. She'd started to smoke pot before we'd be intimate or after, she'd ask me to do it too. I'd tried it a few times but it wasn't my thing. When she started having problems at work from the long night binges. I asked her but she shrugged it off. A few days later she was to chipper.

I started seeing her less and less, and then she'd show up at my apartment really late and want to spend the night, at times Edward was there too, So I'd have to go to her apartment. At times she'd become insistent on me using with her, I did several times but never enjoyed the side effects or the aftermaths.

After I broke it off the first time with her it was so difficult for her to work in the same kitchen. She was a Sous Chef and I was the Pastry Chef we didn't really see each other that much. But a lot of the staff worked with both of us during the day and they would gossip.

After a few months I noticed some or the staff talking about her being very erratic, forgetting things and at times getting hurt. At the time I had received the Marmont offer and was considering it. They'd offered a position as an assistant to their current celebrity Pastry Chef Adrian Vazquez it was a step down but I'd be learning from the best. The decision wasn't easy so I had to really think about this. It meant lots of changes mainly living location. Raul -one of the waiters, had known Maria for a long time. I think he was a family friend and knew about us. I never made it known about my relationship with her. I'm just a very private person, but when we first started dating, she didn't hesitate to announce to the whole female staff that we were together and to watch their hands, while waving a huge cutting knife. Raul noticed her changes and during a break he approached me and asked if there was something going on with her. Maria had been known to have several addictions while in her teen years mainly Alcohol.

But while we dated she'd been insistent that I try ecstasy with her as well as speed and heroin. I tried the ecstasy but felt too scared. It just made me too sensitive to her touch. It felt like fire and not in a good way. Drugs was one of the reasons why I broke up with her.

She later told me speed helped her work better. The heroin was much later.

Raul asked if I could help her get clean. He told me that she'd been worse since our breakup and he was worried she'd do something crazy. That week she was fired for going off on one of the waiters, no one ever said who the waiter had been, but we later found out it was Raul.

She need help and it decided that she'd been a good friend all this time and helped me so many times that it was just natural to return the favor.

I confronted her and helped her find a Narcotics Anonymous group to join. We started going to meetings for a full month until she got a sponsor, I helped her with the withdrawal pains, and all the disgusting symptoms. It was pure hell watching her go through this. I practically moved in with her. Edward had been too busy to even notice my absence or so I thought.

After almost 5 months of hell with Maria, she started resembling the woman I had first met. Vibrant, sultry and exciting person that had captivated me once. At times I felt drawn to her, but still there was something that wasn't fully there. I felt like there was something missing. I would shrug it off and kept going. Until one night when Maria came back with me to Me and Edward's apartment to get some stuff I would need for an event held at the Hotel. I saw him, he'd been crying and something inside me hurt. I felt pain and I didn't even know why or who had done this to Edward I just felt like I could kill them. He was hurting and it was horrible for me. I saw his face. He was so pale and gaunt. So I stayed that night. I fixed the couch for Maria and Edward and I talked all night like we used to. His side of the room had been changed a lot since I'd last been here. It was weird seeing it. Where once he had pictures of us hanging out, from when we were kids, and of some of the road trips we'd taken and our backpacking trip through Europe when we graduated High School; the walls were now striped. I asked him about it and he just shrugged. That night he confessed about having feelings for me. It took me by surprise that I didn't really react to his closeness until his lips were pressed to mine and his hands were touching my cheeks. I couldn't move. I felt it. I felt that spark and it was magical. My hands came up to his shoulders and my eyes closed automatically savoring his closeness. I hummed against his lips and he took that as a sign to go forward by parting his lips. His tongue picked out to touch my lips and I naturally parted them, His taste was so good, it was like chocolate wrapped up in honey. It was so natural so instinctual it was like we'd always meant to do this. When our tongues collided it was like fireworks exploded behind my eyes and I felt the rush of warmed from the tips of my ears all the way down to my toes. He moved closer awkwardly pressing his body to mine. His low frustrated groan made me shiver. He started crawling backwards towards the middle of the bed pulled me towards him until he had be hover over him. I felt his hands tugging at my shirt. I lifted my arms and he took if of me swiftly and quickly finding my mouth again His hands caressed my shoulders, back, sides, pecks and hesitantly his fingers skated over my abs, touching every ridge there I moaned quietly against his mouth. Slowly going down towards my belly button waiting as if needing permission, he didn't.

Everything felt so good, so natural. He grunted but it sounded frustrated. He then broke the kiss and quickly discarded his shirt sighing as our nude flesh pressed together it felt like a tingle and it was building up with each point where our bodies touched skin to skin. It was so surreal. I broke the kiss to look down to his smile was beautiful, it had me dizzy, the feelings were there, they'd always been there with him and only him. As I leaned to capture my lips with his I heard a gasp and footsteps running away from the room, the front door opened and a second later it was slammed shut.

I came back to reality and it was too much. She'd seen, I'd hurt her, it was so stupid of me, the door had been slightly open.

This was so fucked up. I really hoped she'd understand. But...Why would I think she'd be able to understand when I didn't.

And now I was going to hurt him too.

I moved away from Edward and quickly got dressed.

His eyes were like two pulls of dread.

He quickly put his shirt on and left my bed and climbed cocooning himself in his covers, while I tied up my shoes and grabbed my jacket.

I left that night knowing that I loved him and that I had hurt him deeply, but hoping to fix it.

I looked all night and then found her the next day at her dealer's home passed out with a syringe stuck to her leg. She'd shot heroin to dull the pain. I took her to the hospital and this time I talked to Raul knowing this was going against her wishes, since she didn't really trust her family but still I asked him to tell them about admitting her into a facility because I knew she wouldn't trust me to help her again. A month past and I started getting letters from her while she was in rehab. It was as if it had all been a dream to her, like me kissing Edward hadn't happen. So I left it at that and kept communication with her. On the other hand Edward and I never saw each other after that night. He took double shifts during the day to cover for the day manager's maternity leave and he was never home. It was like living with a ghost, you knew he was there because of his dirty laundry piling up or the dishwasher suddenly full and running, or the foggy bathroom mirror, but other then that, I never saw him. We kept missing each other.

One night I just felt fed up and I needed to talk to him so I went to see him and just wanted to have a cup of coffee on his break so that we could talk. I need him to understand. Maria was too fragile and she needed me. I wasn't fooling anyone, not even myself. I was too fucking scared to admit to him or myself that I loved him. I knew I did, but I was scared of what that made me.

All the shit my dad used to say to me and Emmett. "Only girls cry. Are you a girl? Should I buy you pink bows and skirts like your sisters?" "Don't be a sissy. Stop playing with your sister's toys" "Act like a man. Don't talk like that" "Boys don't say sweet they say great or awesome" "Stand up straight you look like a girl" it was always like that. He had his ideas and I had to conform and mold myself to what his thought I should be and not what I really was. It wasn't his fault it was ignorance. It was his father drilling that to his head, as well as his society.

When I entered the empty lobby of the hotel a couple of guest sat at the long couches talking. I walked toward the front desk but no one was there, I rang the little bell and Lauren the assistant manager to the concierge came out of the little back room. Her fake smile matched her fake nails, hair color and tan.

"May I help you Sir?" She was so dense, I'd been working here for almost 8 years and she still didn't know who I was. I'd even danced with her on last years New years staff party. I shook my head in disbelieve.

"Hey Lauren, is Edward here?" I asked her politely.

"Mr. Cullen is in a meeting right now. Would you like to leave a message with me or come back tomorrow?" She stupidly recited her little speech directed to the guests when they wanted to complain about something.

"No thanks. I'll call his cell"

And I did for like two weeks but he never answered. I left him messages, I waited up for him, but he was avoiding me. I kept working and during my breaks I would go to his office but either I had just missed him or he was in a meeting and not to be disturbed. At home, it looked like he'd been there recently, everything was clean, his things as always so organized, never a dirty dish, or anything that would tell me he was there but the sound of the washing machine on the spinning cycle or when I turned on the TV, the MTV channel would blare loudly, signaling he'd been watching it, as always music and very very loudly. Dead giveaways that he'd leave just before I got home. I wondered if he stayed over at his friend Jacob's place at times. I knew they were close but not dating.

It was stupid. I needed to see him but he wouldn't let me. After the third weekend on his little avoidance dance I got a letter from Maria telling me she was finally checking out and starting her outpatient program.

She wanted to see me and apologize in person. I assumed one of her steps for getting better. I was in a hurry and left Edward a message on the answering machine, a note on the fridge and another on the bathroom mirror. They all said the same thing.

WE NEED TO TALK, PLEASE!

I knew throwing in that please would melt his resolve and he'd seek me out. In the past it had worked, so now I was pulling all the punches when it came to getting this straighten out. I needed him in my life again, and not as this ghostly presents that I'd been living with for months now. I just wasn't sure at what extent. He was my best friend; he knew everything about me, all my secrets all my fears and dreams. I didn't want to lose him for something that might just be a fluke.

Edward came out really young but he just didn't say anything to anyone. In our junior year he just one day decided that he liked boys more than girls and when up to the basketball captain in our High School and planted a wet kiss on his lips. I admired him for his boldness and now that I think about it I felt so jealous that he chose him for his first boy kiss. I remember having to help him hide from that tall monster afterwards for a few months because him and his buddies wanted to kill him, but Edward never seemed faced by it, he enjoyed the shock he caused, and told me that the guy had pressed harder and then reacted to it because the others started laughing. "I bet he wants me" he said. I would just bet he did. His happy go luck exterior hid so many scars and pain that made me love him even more, and I always tried to protect him. I'd do anything for him, for those beautiful smiles.

I went to work thinking that tonight was it. I would not lose Edward, Maria was a friend and she had to know that there wasn't going to be anything else. I'd had it with this song and dance. I needed to figure out what I wanted with Edward first. Luckily when I got to work the staff was already preparing for the annual Children's Hospital back off. The Biltmore had entered for the past 10 years now and they'd always came second place. This year that I was in charge I had my sights on the medal.

I went to my office and logged in to my computer, checking my emails shifting through the adds, and then I saw it. Edward had written me a letter. It was long and beautiful. Expressing his sadness for hurting me, for taking advantage of me, he went on to tell me that he was moving and that Jacob had taken him back and that he wished me luck with Maria. He told me he loved me and that he'd never meant to make me uncomfortable or confuse me in anyway.

Tears were running down my face. I had lost him without even having the chance to fight for him, or to even figure out anything else.

As I sat there wiping my face and analyzing what had just happen, it all came crashing down. I had lost his love. I had lost his friendship, I felt hollow, and cold. He hadn't even given me a chance to try.

Suddenly it hit me, that if I just gave up and let him walk away from me, I'd be losing more than I was willing to, not just his friendship, I'd be losing my home, I'd been so accustom to having him with me, that I hadn't noticed that the time I'd been at Maria's was awful, I'd missed him but I'd been too focused on helping her that I didn't notice I was hurting. And most of all I was hurting him by keeping away. I had to make him listen to me. So I wrote him back begging him to meet me. To let me explain. Or to just let me say goodbye and wish him well in person. I called his cell again and it went straight to voicemail again, I left the same message I had written on the email. When I replayed it to check it and save it I could hear the hurt in my voice, the desperation, and I wished to God he could too.

That day I worked on autopilot. I was there in body but my minds was with Edward. He had told me about Jacob but now they were back together? When were they even dating? It really didn't seem right. Too many questions but he wouldn't let me explain nor would he answer any of my calls. I prayed that he'd listen to his voicemail or check his email and meet me.

When six o'clock came I rushed out of the Hotel, intent on catching Edward. I knew he would go home take a nap and have dinner, shower, change and then at 10 his night shift would start. So I drove my old beat up honda prelude to our apartment, but when I got there it was dark and empty. A sat there until it got dark thinking about him when I heard a knock. Nervous I went to answer. "Why are you knocking? Did you forget your..." It was Maria. She looked healthier than she'd been the last time I'd seen her. She crashed into my arms hugging me too tightly. She reeked of stale cigarettes and burned coffee. She looked like she'd been in those clothes for days. I untangled from her hug but before I could say a word, she had pushed her way inside turning the lights and walking to the kitchen.

"I need food babe" She rummaged inside the refrigerator.

"Don't you ever have any jalapeno peppers here? Seriously Jasper I thought I'd thought you well?" Her smirk looked condescending. Her movements were too erratic and fidgety, she was on something. I closed the door and went to the kitchen, but she breezed by me sitting on the dark leather couch with her big canvas tote bag hanging from her arm, and a plate with a clumsily build sandwich, she was munching on a carrot and talking with her mouth full.

"So listen babe. Don't get mad at me Ok? I went to my old apartment to get some stuff and move in with Gianna from work. and... Caius was there. he was looking for me and.. He had some stuff with him. BUT before you get all crazy on me. I told him that I was clean and that I wasn't gonna do it anymore. But he's really nice, he said it was for old times sake and it was just once and it was on him..." She had dropped the plate of food on the low coffee table, a piece of ham had dropped from the plate to the table and she was now moving towards me. When she got closer to where I'd been standing, she seductively placed her greasy hands on my shirt.

In that moment I couldn't understand what I had ever seen in her. She was selfish, manipulative and she never cared about me. What the fuck was I even thinking that I could help her. She wasn't my friend. She was using me.

"Maria, I'm done. Please leave" My voice was filled with anger.

"What? But I need you Jazz, and besides it was just a few lines and I promised not to do it again... Look he even gave me more but I didn't use it. I wanted to show you that I'm done with this. I promise" She was now pressed against me. She was delusional if she thought I'd believe that.

"No, it's over. You are not listening, I can't help you anymore. You don't want help. You gotta go now".I held her hands that were trying to unbutton my shirt, away from me.

"Oh, come on baby. Just for old times sake. I know I can still give you what you want, please Jazz I can't lose you, you're everything I have" Her eyes filled up with tears but at the same time she struggled to press her voluptuous breast against my chest enticing me. I felt sad for her. She wasn't like this. My heart broke for her. So I held her against me. She had been my friend, we had shared so much and now she was this thing that I didn't recognize. She'd been vibrant and happy, a good person, always helping everyone and giving good advice. But now a shell of that great person she once was.

"I'm not like this. Why am I like this?" She cried against my chest.

I walked her to the bathroom and filled the tub, I made her undress and bathed, there was nothing sexual, it was a friend helping another in need. I dressed her in a pair of pajama pants and shirt and tucked her in my bed to sleep it off.

I heard her several times call my name but when I checked on her she was asleep.

I crashed on the couch taking Edwards pillow. I buried my face in it breathing in his scent. But it only calmed me for a little while. After a few minutes my mind filled with rage and despair again, I felt angry at myself that I'd let her get in again. I had to stop trying to save her. I was angry also that I hadn't been able to talk to Edward. I wondered where could he be and with whom?

It was around midnight when the exhaustion from the rollercoaster of emotions of this day had finally caught up with me and I fell asleep.

I had vague dreams, mostly shapes and movements. At times I could hear voices but I was too deep in sleep that I couldn't make anything coherent out.

At one point I felt hands on my chest and I saw Edwards deep accepting and forgiving hazel eyes wrapping me in warmed as they'd always done. I felt him leaning towards my ear and saying he loved me, but the hush of his voice was different. He then moved down to kiss my neck and the warmed was so inviting his scent was still in my nostrils but a little faint. I felt so happy he had forgiven me.

Closing my eyes enjoying the nibbles and wet kisses on my neck I felt him trail down to my my chest and then lower to my stomach. I felt the warmed of his mouth over the cloth of my pajama pants. I shivered in want. His hands pressed my cock against my flushed flesh and then he exposed it to the night air. He reverently kissed the tip of my cock and softly stroked it with his warm hand. Slowly he bobbed his head taking more of me in his hot mouth. His tongue stroked me raving up the flames.

My body felt taught and tightly stringed I wanted to touch him to show him that I was enjoying what he was doing to me. I tried to stroke his hollowing cheeks but he pushed my hands down, silently asking to let him love me. I complied fisting the warm sheets and felt my hips rise from the bed to fill his mouth faster and find my release. One of his hands squeezed the base of my cock while the other stroked and rolled my balls. When he picked up the pace while at the same time pulling my balls gently away from my body. I shuddered and came inside him mouth. The loud orgasmic female cry woke me up to find Maria riding my very hard cock on the living room couch. A few seconds later my world fell apart for the second time in that year.

Edward came home with tired eyes and rumpled suit, his tie was in his hands. As soon as he saw me on the couch with Maria his face turned green and he ran to the bathroom.

I pushed Maria off me, my cock was still hard. I pulled up my pajama pants and arranged my t-shirt running to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. I knew how he got; his emotions were too much for him that the only way to let them out and not hurt himself was to vomit.

.

Scared.

I've never felt so fucking terrified in my entire life. I could hear the loud sick sounds and sobs. I knocked and asked him to open the door. But he wouldn't even answer me. I knocked louder and begged him to open it. His sobs drown me out.

I dropped to my knees and pressed my forehead against the cold wooden door. It was one of those moments where hundreds of scenarios are running through your mind but none of them can help you, nothing could compare to this pain. You try to think when you felt this level of anguish or just how you managed it, but nothing really comes to mind. It feels like it's been forever that you felt happiness and his words are the only balm to calm this pain and whatever he says could mean you life or your death.

My knees hurt and my head throbs. My neck has a crick and my eyes sting. I'm dehydrated from all this crying. I feel stiff all over but nothing can tear me away from this spot. Maria is still laying on the couch. I can smell the cigarette smoke, I think it's her third one. I can hear the sound of the couch against her nude skin when she shifts.

Why won't she leave?

I can't do this with her right now. I need Edward. I need him to open the door and look at me, I need to see if he's as gutted as I am. I know it's crazy but I feel like this shit will never be fixed and I'll lose him forever. I'll lose a very important part of me, It will never be the same.

He's quiet now. But I can still hear his breathing and occasional hiccups.

Minutes or hours pass, I just don't know, but at times I feel Maria's hands on my head and I pushed them away from me, she huffs but says nothing. I hear the springs of the bed and I cringe. I stay still like a statue. Then after some time I hear the rustling of clothing. I hear the singe of her putting out her cigarette. I'm guessing she left some damage on something of Edwards.

I feel her hands again on my shoulders in a comforting way but they just make me sick. She kisses the back of my neck and whispers in my ear. "When you get that joto cabron away from you for good, give me a call, I'll be waiting for you Jazz" she follows it up by liking the shell of my ear. And just before she slams the door loudly I hear her sneaker. Rage bursts out of me, my hands start punching the door. I scream for him to let me in. I cry and yell like a madman. Finally everything just comes out and I throw up on my lap. I can't breath I'm hyperventilating, my nose is stuffed up and my throat is swollen from all the yelling. I feel the door move away from me where I've been banging my head against and arms are around me. I hear his voice in my ear and it calms me. He rocks me back and forth in his arms cooing and shushing my loud sobs. I hiccup and whimper like a small child getting over a temper tantrum but at least I can breath.

The smell is now bothering me, but Edward doesn't seem to care. He holds me tightly against his chest. He's been kneeling on the dirty smelly carpet with me for hours now. The sun is rising and the room is filling up with light. I sniffle a little and gag. He lets go of me slowly and I cling to him. "Don't go" I beg; my voice hoarse from everything. "I'm not, baby" He whispers against my ear. "But we should get you cleaned up sweetie, you're starting to gag from it. I don't want you sick again" His voice is sweet and loving. He speaks to me as if caring for a small sick child. And in a way that's exactly what I am. It's like I just woke up to this world and he's taking care of me.

He carefully stands, wobbling from the long time on the floor and holds out his hand for me to stand too. I take it and he leads me inside the bathroom. We can't fully close the door, because it has a huge crack on the bottom part, from all my punching and banging on it. He says nothing as he turns the water on to fill the tub.

That night was the beginning of a thorny long and treasures road for us. Poor Edward had to deal with my narrow minded self half the time; he was so good to me, always so understanding. He knew that I loved him but was really scared about it all, he let me go at my own pace.

It took us months to finally make love. I was nervous and kept stalling when our intimate sessions would go further then heavy petting.

But after that horrible night, he bathed me, and took care of me. We slept in his bed and he held me and caressed my face and hair so tenderly that I cried several times. He would kiss my tears and say "Turning them to smiles and laughter" he is so sweet. He called in sick and made me do it too. We spend that weekend together, talking and reconnecting, the next Tuesday two friends of his came over while I was sleeping. Edward had them take the leather couch and my bed to Good Will. When I woke up he had a picnic set up in the place where our couch was. I smiled at his thoughtfulness and kissed his lips. It felt good but at the same time I was still hesitant about those gestures, thinking about not being enough for him, or that he was with me out of pity.

But he made me feel so good, and I let him. I was selfish and I wanted him. I was finally where I'd wanted to be since I met him.

The next month was full of surprises but this time they were good ones for a change.

I talked to Edward about the Chateau Marmont offer and he encouraged me to take the job. When I went in for the final interview the manager told me that the position had now changed to Head Pastry Chef, since Mr. Vazquez was publishing a book, and had a TV deal and was leaving. I pulled some strings and got Edward a job there too, his references are impeccable so it was too easy and they were happy to welcome us both.

When the time came to move, we decided on something fun and exciting to match or we jobs and the new path our relationship would take. Still I felt nervous about PDA's and at times I knew Edward got frustrated about that, but he never showed it, he just compensated while we were alone.

After months of sucking my dick and me giving him hand jobs, he finally asked me shyly if I wanted to top him. My eyes bugged out and I babbled for a few seconds until he shut me up with a toe curling kiss. Like, with everything regarding us, Edward always took the lead and was a great and patient lover, every night we'd start kissing, caressing and learning each other. I felt like he was building me up to it.

We had everything packed and ready to go, our new apartment was great, it was a fixer upper but a great one, the view from the living room was incredible, the bedrooms were huge and had lots of windows letting in natural light, the kitchen was the only part of the apartment that was brand new, it had all chrome appliances and everything was build in. the bathroom had a big antique tub with a small bay window with a great view of the sunset. I imagined me and Edward relaxing in a warm bath, drinking wine and looking at the sunsets. I wanted a life here I had my home in Edward but this place seemed like a great fresh start to our relationship. The Biltmore didn't want to let us go so soon, so we both decided to work another month while we trained our replacements. And we'd be taking a two month vacation to set up the new apartment and maybe drive down to Ensenada and stay at a nice Hotel, I'd heard about a great resort called "La Paloma" that had condos for rent. I figured we could take a nice vacation to start our new jobs refreshed and relaxed. I'd made reservations secretly and we were leaving in about 5 weeks, I was so excited and could hardly wait to tell Edward.

Our last night at our old apartment I'd plan to finally make love to my guy I figured we should leave this place with a bang. So I hurried back home, the whole week we'd spend packing everything so it was a sea of boxes. I'd stopped at Whole Foods and gotten the ingredients for a Fettuccine Alfredo, and had prepared one of his favorites. Edward had a very particular sweet tooth, but you couldn't tell just by looking at the man, his body was incredibly toned for someone that scarfed down chocolate donuts and every cake or pie known to man. When we bunked together during college at our second year, we got a cute little apartment off campus I worked as a waiter in a little cafe, and he tended bar at very popular gay bar. During my intro to chocolate class he was in pure heaven. He demanded I take all the samples I'd made for class and hand them over every night. He'd sit on our ratty old couch watching sports or MTV and eat his weight in chocolate, I still worry sometimes that he'll get diabetes or something, but he works out like a madman and does any and every kind of sport he can have his hands on.

Tonight I'm feeding my sweet man's lovely tummy Honey-crisp apple Napoleon with caramel custard, cider syrup, and spiced vanilla _gellato_.

I know it's not chocolate but I've been trying to extend his obsession on to other flavors, so I'm trying vanilla and apple, at least it's fruit this time.

I get home after a grueling hour of traffic and the horrible heat. I come in to a too warm and stuffy apartment. After taking off my shoes and taking the bags to the kitchen. I open the windows airing out the place, unplugging the pungent smell of cinnamon coming from the glade plug in from the bathroom that Edward insists we have. I look around for anything else but everything is clean.

After lighting some of the candles that we've accumulated during our time here, I unpack the bags from the grocery store. I only bought ingredients for one meal since we decided on Monday that we'd clean out the fridge and when the food was gone we'd just eat out the following days. It's Saturday and I know Edward's staying a few more hours tonight, to get everything ready for the new guy. He seems perfect for the job, right down to his deep low voice, the gleaming white teeth and tall and statues figure. Last night Edward couldn't stop talking about Sam. Apparently they've become fast friends and have a lot of stuff in common. I can't help but feel a little jealous, it surprises me that I feel that towards Edward but it was bound to happen. Why at times I used to feel like I was left out, now I know it's that I want to spend all my time with him, to know everything that he's never had the courage to tell me, or that he might have left out as to not make me feel uncomfortable. That was his word and still is when it comes to me. He never wanted to make me feel uncomfortable with his "stuff" That's why he never brought any guy he dated home, he was very careful to never introduce them to me, he never asked me about the women I dated, and now I know that it hurt him to know I was with someone else. Now that I think about it, I'm glad I never meet his lovers or had him share about their intimate moments, because I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

I prepared the sauce for the fettuccine and filled a large pot with water, adding some olive oil, two cloves of garlic, and a pinch of salt. I have a skillet with some diced chicken sprinkled with salt and pepper and a slice of onion, cooking on the other side. I uncork a bottle of an artisan wine that I got during a wine tasting event at the Biltmore "Casa Sainz" was the name it has rich red voluptuous body but a subtle fruity taste that I had just fell in love with. I remember that I'd gotten their contact information, the owners where a family of brothers very young and jovial, I had been invited to a wine tasting at their vineyard in Valle de Guadalupe in Baja down in Mexico, but had declined because of all my pressing commitments. I still regret not dragging Edward with me. It would have been a great experience. I poured it in a decanter that I'd gotten a while back to let it breath before dinner.

After the sauce was boiling in the pan, the chicken was sufficiently broiled I started to put together the meal. I got a cooking sheet and sliced some parmesan bread that I'd baked at the hotel today and put it in the oven to warm. When everything was set. I went to the bathroom to get ready. I showered, shaved and groomed other areas. Fiddled with my hair and then went to our room to get something to wear. I was starting to feel nervous but excited. I put on a light shirt in royal blue to match my eyes, a pair of comfortably worn jeans and left my feat bare. Some soft music and dimmed lights created a sexy atmosphere. Pouring myself a small glass of wine to test it and also to relax a little. But my body was filled with nervous energy so I got up and walked to our bedroom. We'd been sleeping all this time in Edwards's double bed. I'd made the bed with a pair of nice gray sheets and gotten out the lube and some condoms I knew he kept in the drawer of his nightstand; knowing he'd want me to take the lead.

So I imagined how I'd do it.

After dinner I would lead him to the living room and have nightcap and we'd talk and kiss and maybe touch a little. I'd tell him that I love him and he'd smile that gorgeous smile of his and then I'd lead him to our bedroom and carefully and lovingly would take his clothes off while kissing his whole body.

Tonight will be about him, how much I love him. How much i need him.

I get ripped out of my erotic play by play of how I'd manage to finally make love to my guy, by said guy. He storms in and slams the door shut, throws everything on the small entrance table and I hear him sit on the small bench taking his shoes off I'm guessing. He huffs in anger. The creak of the wooden bench from the relief of his weight, alerts me of him coming closer.

The grumpy man paths to the kitchen where the simmering pots and pans are awaiting him. I hear him move the lids and "hmmmm" and "fuck yeah's" at the food.

The pouring of wine in a glass is heard just before a grunt and the depressing cushions on our loveseat grunt from his weight. He's gotten himself relaxed and comfortable, time for me to get out there and get my man. I give myself a little pep talk and walk out the room.

He's shirtless and barefoot on the small loveseat, one sexy foot is over the backrest of the seat and his hand is also balancing the wineglass. The TV is on and he's watching a football game, moving to the stereo and turn down the music, maybe I can get him to turn the TV off while we have diner. I walk towards him slowly trying my best seductive walk, but I get no attention. His eyes are glued to the TV, I huff a little and move closer to sit between his legs, I lean in and kiss his lips, his eyes still don't leave the screen, I whisper in his ear that I'm happy he's home, I lick the shell of his ear and nibble on his earlobe, his unoccupied hand comes close to my back and presses my body against his as he grunts from the pressure of my body against his rising cock.

My lips assault the warm skin of his neck, mouth moving down to his pecks, I kiss, lick and nibble at his flesh, trying to make him forget about the game and focus on my body. I see him turn his attention to my face when I suck in my mouth one of his perky nipples. The low grunt and whimper make me feel powerful, the huge smile on my faces lets him know that I'm going in for the kill.

Well let's just say that the food had to be turned off and reheated four hours later, yes you read right, we kissed on the couch for a few minutes, my warm breath over his covered hard cock, made him turn the Football game off, lips and tongue sliding and gliding over his perfect abs made him pull my shirt off. My hands pulling at his slacks made him want to move into the bedroom, we fumbled and grope eachother stumbling to the room. He pulled and pushed me to the bed aggressively, his want was to the roof, but I wanted him to slow down so I pushed his body to the mattress and slowly and chastely kissed a path down his body, when I got to his belt buckle he helped me take the pants off, I moved to get mine off sliding them down paired with my boxer shorts. My cock sprang free hard and eager. He moved to his knees and kiss the tip but this wasn't what I wanted I needed to make him feel good, to express this way how much I love him and how much I needed him.

His body glisten from the sweat, from all my teasing - I'd kissed, nibbled and lick every inch of his body, well except for his hard purple cock, that kept standing to attention while he lay on the bed. His eyes closed and his hands fisted on the grey sheets, that sight of him this was weakening my resolve about teasing him more.

I grabbed the lube and wetted my fingers, as I sucked his cock hard I pressed a finger to his hole and massaged his entrance slowly, I would be taking him hard and fast. He would feel the extend of my love for him, not to mention the lust I felt just when he smiled at me.

His low grunts and whimpers where getting louder, so I moved to press my covered cock to his ass, his legs automatically spread welcoming my body. I pressed a little harder and his flesh yield to mine.

The warmed and pressure of him around me almost made me cum on the spot. Breathing harder I pressed on. I was seated inside him.

We were one.

I felt him take a long breath and his lips where at my neck, his hands holding me against him. We rocked together and moved in unison slowly at first. The I love you's pored out like wave after wave of hidden feelings, all spilled over Edward, surrounding us both in this thing that we had now christen as a full fleshed relationship.

I moved harder against him, his whispers louder in my ears, I wanted him to scream my name. My mouth hovered over his, sharing breath, his eyes heavy lidded with lust, his hands roamed my back, arms, ass, pressing my body harder against his, as if he couldn't stand for any part of our flesh not to be connected.

I wanted more. I moved his legs over my shoulders and the position moved me closer and deeper inside him, his hard cock was closer now. Stroking and fucking him harder our noises a symphony that could never be compared. The deep heat in my belly build to a high flame and the explosion that erupted from, rocked my whole body and I spilled inside Edward marking him forever as mine.

The low growl that spilled from Edward's trout, proceeded his orgasm, the warmed of his cum cued the aftershocks shaking my body.

Tangled in a sweaty messy heap, we lay there basking in the knowledge that this was so true and so real that we'd never should have fought it off, or thought it would be different.

We were always meant to be, and I knew because it was always how he made me feel.

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Well there you go. I hope you enjoyed my first attempted at M/M slash, I promise I'll get better, after all Practice makes perfect ... thanks for giving it a chance.

Reviews = Love!


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